When Narcissistic Abuse Intensifies During the Holidays: A Therapist’s Perspective
The holiday season is often associated with closeness, generosity, and shared celebration. For individuals who are currently in relationships affected by narcissistic abuse, however, this time of year can bring heightened stress, confusion, and emotional pain. Clinically, the holidays tend to amplify existing relational dynamics, making patterns of control, manipulation, and emotional invalidation more visible and more difficult to manage.
Narcissistic abuse during the holidays often intensifies because the season threatens a narcissistic partner’s need for control and centrality. Increased social gatherings, shared family systems, financial pressures, and expectations of emotional reciprocity can feel destabilizing to individuals with narcissistic traits. In response, they may escalate behaviors aimed at regaining control, such as criticism, conflict initiation, or emotional withdrawal (Stark, 2007).
A common pattern observed during the holidays is the deliberate creation of conflict around meaningful events. Narcissistic partners may start arguments before family gatherings, undermine their partner’s relationships with loved ones, or create crises that redirect attention toward themselves. These conflicts are often reframed as the survivor’s fault, leaving the non-narcissistic partner feeling responsible for “ruining” the holiday. From a trauma-informed perspective, this reflects coercive control rather than mutual relational distress (Herman, 2015).
Gaslighting and invalidation also tend to increase during the holiday season. Survivors may be told they are “too sensitive,” “ungrateful,” or “overreacting” when they express discomfort or hurt. When this occurs publicly, survivors may feel silenced, embarrassed, or isolated. Repeated invalidation can erode self-trust and make it increasingly difficult to assess the health of the relationship (American Psychological Association [APA], 2020).
Triangulation is another dynamic that frequently emerges during the holidays. Narcissistic partners may involve family members in conflicts, compare their partner unfavorably to others, or disclose private relational issues to gain sympathy or control the narrative. With extended family systems more present during this season, survivors may feel outnumbered or pressured to comply in order to maintain peace.
Financial manipulation can also become more pronounced. Gift-giving, travel, and shared holiday expenses may be used as tools of control, with narcissistic partners leveraging money to induce guilt, obligation, or compliance. Survivors may feel they cannot “win,” regardless of how much they give or accommodate (Stark, 2007).
The cumulative emotional impact of these patterns is significant. Individuals currently in narcissistic relationships often report heightened anxiety, emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and somatic stress responses during the holidays. Many describe feeling as though they are “walking on eggshells,” carefully monitoring their behavior to prevent conflict. These reactions reflect the nervous system’s attempt to maintain safety in an unpredictable relational environment, rather than a personal inability to cope (Herman, 2015).
Therapeutic work during this time often focuses on increasing awareness while reducing self-blame. Many individuals internalize the belief that they are failing at the relationship or not trying hard enough to make the holidays work. In reality, distress during the holidays often reflects chronic relational imbalance rather than a lack of effort or care. Naming these patterns can be an important step toward reclaiming clarity and self-trust.
While leaving a relationship may not be immediately possible or desired, therapy can support individuals in identifying protective strategies during the holiday season. This may include setting limits around time and emotional engagement, planning exits from gatherings, reducing emotional disclosure, or prioritizing internal regulation over external harmony. Choosing emotional safety does not mean someone is uncaring—it means they are responding appropriately to ongoing relational harm.
At Athena’s Healing Haven, we support individuals who are currently navigating relationships impacted by narcissistic abuse with compassion, clinical insight, and respect for autonomy. The holidays can surface difficult truths, but they can also offer an opportunity to listen more closely to one’s emotional experience and values.
If the holiday season feels especially heavy or destabilizing within your relationship, support is available. You do not have to minimize your experience to preserve appearances, and you do not have to navigate this season alone.
References
American Psychological Association. (2020). Violence and abuse in relationships. https://www.apa.org
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Why people stay in abusive relationships. https://www.thehotline.org
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
